Beginnings

photograph via photogra+phas
I find myself drawn to the prospect of new beginnings, a new chapter, a new year, even Sundays. Growing up I would make an extensive list of things I would change in my new beginnings. Lists for every new year, new diets I would start the next month, or on a Sunday. Lists for each grade in highschool, and for college...lists that I rarely ever accomplished anything on.

I also just started graduate school and quickly realized my assumption that my study habits would drastically change from those of my undergrad have been completely unfounded. I am still drawn to the couch, (recently discovering Netflix on my Wii has not helped!) But I have now reached one of the biggest "new beginnings" of my life, my marriage. Experience has finally taught me to not rely on extensive lists for change. I will not suddenly become selfless, constantly sweet and encouraging, or love to cook overnight!

I love this new beginning, but I am only putting one word on my list.

Courage.

Courage to fight the apathy that can loom over my world. Courage to seek a stronger relationship with God. Courage to become a better person, for myself and for Josh. Courage to reach out to those around me. Courage to step out side of my comfort zone.

Courage to grow.

how i'm changing...

My whole life, I have always hated olives and pineapples. Today, I purchased a small bowl of fruit and then realized it was full of pinapple. My normal reaction would be to pick around the pineapple, but I decided to try again. To my surprise, I didn't react in disgust, I actually loved it.

Oddly enough, if it scared me to realize I now like pineapples and sent me into a bit of a crisis. I feel it is simply a physical manifestation of all of the internal changes occuring in my life. My view of religion, life, school, and values has shifted and continues to evolve at a pace that is frightening.

Throughout my life I have enjoyed my stability, even it at times it was a false perception. It was something to cling to, something to possess, something I could be proud of. I felt my views on the world and life were unshakable, but now I feel like I am in a nauseating free-fall.

While writing this entry, all I keep thinking of Josh's impression of Ben Stiller in Zoolander, when he look in the mirror and asks "who am I?" with a longing expression. That is one of my favorite Josh impressions, it always makes me laugh.

But I thinking I need to do a bit of soul searching myself. I regularly need to take inventory of my internal world. That way perhaps I can avoid this whole crisis, when I discover that I do really like olives as well...